Just a kid

I’ve always known I was transgender, but never knew the word for it until I got to high school. Growing up, always being uncomfortable in a body that felt like it didn’t belong to me, it was no surprise that I wouldn’t recognize something so wrong due to the uncomfortable feeling I was so used to. I’ve blocked the memory to the point where I have no clue how old I was- but I was old enough to have started breast development.

I came home from school to be accused of not showering well enough- hormones were starting to kick in and acne had started and my acne was bad. Always was. The punishment I received was to shower in front of a stepmother I barely knew. One I was already terrified of for her explosive outbursts of anger, which had already preceded the shower. It was meant to make me prove that I knew how to clean myself.

I had never felt so ashamed of my body- and to this day there hasn’t been a new shameful experience to top that feeling. The feeling of me not being comfortable with myself, and now having to show myself to someone else. Someone I didn’t know much about. Someone who terrified the living shit out of me- a kid. A kid who came home from school expecting to do homework. A kid who was too ashamed to tell their father, who wasn’t home at the time.

She had her excuse, though being true did not matter to her. All she needed was the excuse to commit an act.

I still feel degraded and humiliated by it. I felt like I had no choice, and I feel like if it would happen again- I’d still feel like I had no choice but to strip and show my body that I already dislike to someone else. I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to be comfortable in my skin when I have memories of things that just make me ashamed of what genitles I have.

I’m sharing this because I don’t want others to end up in the same situation and not realize just how wrong it is and that it can happen to all ages by anyone.

— Skyler S